Twas the night before Christmas 2023
Twas a week before Christmas in Santa’s workshop,
Not a creature was stirring — you could hear a pin drop.
Santa was worried as he wandered around
As all of his Elves were nowhere to be found.
Christmas was coming, the shop should be bustling
With everyone clamoring, hammering and hustling.
“I must see HR and their manager, Myrtle.”
He found her alone, online playing Wordle.
“The Elves have gone missing! They’re not doing their chores!”
His tone surprised Myrtle and messed up her scores.
“Don’t worry, dude” was her strange salutation.
“This calm is because of our labour negotiation.
While it may seem at first that we’re here all alone,
The contract agreement lets Elves work from home.”
“Jingle my bells!” swore Santa, scanning the room,
“Can you really build toys if you’re working by Zoom?”
“I’m not really sure — manual work’s not for me.
Should we download some videos on Youtube to see?
On the bright side, a good think we’re planning to do
Is convert this old shop to Tim Horton’s drive-through.”
“As for the reindeer, before you dare ask,
They borrowed your sleigh for an important task.
I said it was fine cuz they needed a lift
To dash off to Toyland to see Taylor Swift.
Didn’t you see photos that were posted on Twitter
Of Prancer in sequins, make-up and glitter?”
“But don’t worry, Santa — production is fine.
We made some improvements that save lots of time.
Social media influencers, to whom we are talking
Told us what kids want to find in their stocking.
That way, we forecast the demand for kids’ toys,
So there’s no need for lists from the girls or the boys.”
Santa interrupted, he was feeling confused.
“Shouldn’t I be the one whose opinions are used?
This year, for sure, kids must all want one thing:
Coronation souvenirs of Charles, our new King.
Or maybe cassettes they can play in their homes,
Like the latest release from the Beatles or Stones.
Or maybe some tunes on 8-track or CD
Of indigenous music by Buffy St. Marie?”
“Nope, don’t go there Santa, you’re a bit out of touch.
It’s clear that you don’t know what’s trending so much.
This year, we’re making the same gifts for all —
Every child in the world gets a new Barbie doll!
With one product line, our output’s fantastic
As long as supply chains provide all the plastic.”
“Santa, you doubt that production is fine?
I’ll show your our status by checking online.
Toy totals are rocking! … But an “ERROR” I see?
Oops! A.I. has switched on the auto-correct key!
The orders for Barbie were amended, oh dear!
Replaced by production of Barney, I fear!”
Santa shook his head and said with a sigh,
“Relying on A.I. was not a good try.
We’ve made millions of dino’s all purple and furry?
We need to correct this and move on in a hurry.
I agree we should focus on Barbie again,
And then convert Barneys to make Dino-Kens.”
“Tell Mrs. Claus to crank up her laptop —
For last-minute sales, we need her to shop.
She always enjoys a good shopper-tunity
To check out the stores and spend with impunity.
Put the Elves back to work, whether at home or right here.
We’ll get ready for Christmas like we do every year.
And tell all the reindeer: Be ready to go!
of course, when they’re back from the Taylor Swift show.”
Contributed by Andy Kohut
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